


You’re everything I want, why should I resist when you are there for me?

by smallbump



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: M/M, mentions of panic attacks and self-loathing but it's pretty innocent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 11:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2065962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallbump/pseuds/smallbump
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>high school!au where dan’s failing too many subjects and phil tutors him, but they end up helping each other with so much more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You’re everything I want, why should I resist when you are there for me?

Dan hears the bell ring in the same moment he closes his locker, the black backpack is hanging on his shoulder and he adjusts his grip around the textbooks he’s holding as he gets moving.   
Eyelids are already hanging heavy over his eyes and it’s only his second class. He’s bound to fall asleep during history – again – later that day.

“English, right?” Chris asks as they bump shoulders. Dan rolls his eyes and mutters sheepishly, “It’s Maths, you moron. Learn the schedule for god’s sake.”

“Ah, shit. Tell Mr. Thompson I’ll be right there,” he half-shouts while turning around and jogging through the corridor to get the right books for the right class. Chris is useless sometimes; he never keeps track of anything when it comes to school. And yet, Dan’s the one who is failing. Not all classes, but too many for it to be okay. His teachers haven’t said anything, yet, but he can feel it. He knows it, he knows he’s doing badly and it needs to change, but how? Dan can’t teach himself and obviously his teachers can’t either.    
Every test is getting harder and harder to get through and every paper or project is taking longer and longer to finish. Dan isn’t dumb, he’s mostly just– unmotivated, unfocused, uninterested. And because of it, he hasn’t learned how to study and remember what he learns. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do if someone isn’t telling him. Or maybe he’s just dumb, honestly.

And it’s not like his parents would give a shit, they’re not noticing a thing with either Dan or his brother. Sometimes he wonders whether they’re actually related or not because of the lack of interest and care they all have for one another. They’re not a family, they just happen to live in the same house.

Dan enters the classroom and heads to the back immediately, nodding hello to a few people as he passes them. They all have the same look in their eyes; bored to death. He sits down with a sigh, pulls off his backpack and hangs it on the chair before opening his books. Mr. Thompson begins by doing a few reruns from their last lesson and then he explains a little about the next chapter they’re going to start with. Dan is still on the previous one, not even half-finished. He tries to listen to what Mr. Thompson is saying, he really does but nothing is making any sense to him. Absolutely nothing. After a while he doesn’t bother to try and listen anymore, so he puts in one of his earphones and starts working on where he was last. He’ll deal with next chapter later.

“No Christopher?” he hears behinds him and Dan jumps a little in his chair.

“Uh, he’s coming. Forgot his books.”

“Okay, good. Daniel, can you stay after class?”

Dan looks up further and nods. He can sense what it’s about but doesn’t bother to know for sure, and his teacher says nothing more for now. They both know he’ll have plenty to say later.   
And suddenly, Dan can’t even concentrate at all, the numbers on his paper is swirling around and he feels dizzy. He is failing maths too. He is already failing history and science, and now math. Dan is a failure. He’s an idiot, a dumb kid, a loser. He just stares down on his paper, feeling the anger inside him build up and he tries so hard not to cry out of frustration.

“Hey, man, you alright?” Chris bumps down beside him and his books slams against the desk, which makes Dan jump.  _God, he’s so easily scared it’s ridiculous._

“I’m fine,” he mutters, resting his face on his knuckles. It’s so obvious he is not fine, but Chris isn’t one to ask further questions, if Dan says he’s fine then he’s fine.   
Sometimes Dan wishes that he would ask and be more concerned but they’re not those kinds of friends.   
He spends the rest of the time moping, not even trying to study. What’s the point?

When the bell rings and the lesson is over, he puts together his books but sits still. Tells Chris he’s coming soon and waits as everyone’s leaving the room. Mr. Thompson comes up to him and sits down on Chris’ chair.

“Well, Daniel, you know why I kept you after class right?”

“I’m failing aren’t I?” He knows he should but Dan doesn’t move his eyes to look his teacher in the eyes, he’s embarrassed.

Mr. Thompson clears his throat, “Not quite, but you will if you don’t get help with your school work. Is there anyone at home that can help you?” The concern tone in his voice annoys Dan, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s a failure and a loser and it’s his own fault. Still not being able to look him in the eyes, Dan just shakes his head, “They’re not very– helpful,” he says. That was the nicest word he could think of to describe his parents.

“I was afraid so, which is why I have another option. How would you feel about a tutor?”

For the first time, Dan looks up; he contemplates it for a moment. It would be weird but he needs all the help he can get and if a tutor is it then he’s got to at least try it.   
It’s not like he’s got anything to lose anyway.

“Yeah, okay. We’ll try that.”

When he leaves the classroom, his chest is a little lighter than when he walked in.

He thought about telling Chris but decides not to, maybe after a while. If it’s working for him. There’s no need to bother him with Dan’s problems when he barely bothers himself with his own problems. Chris is without a doubt the most carefree person Dan has ever met.

After school the next day, he stays behind in math class and waits for his teacher to show him the study room. Dan didn’t even know there was such a place at their school. He’s a little scared, but excited. As excited as you can get when you’re about to get tutoring for the first time. But it’s for the best, Dan really needs help. How bad could it be? And besides, if it doesn’t work out then he can stop and try something else. Like, dropping out and pursue a career as a window cleaner or something. That sounds like a plan.

“He’s a great guy; he’s helped a lot of other students too. There’s more than you think that is struggling with school,” his teacher rambles on and tries to make Dan feel less like the loser he really is.

When they enter the room, a tall guy with black hair stands up. He’s got black jeans and a blue t-shirt, looks a lot like any other guy in the school. As well as Dan. He’s by their side before Dan is even in the room. Icy blue eyes and thin lips smile at him, he’s got a friendly face.   
“Hey, Dan right?” He nods and the black haired kid goes on, “Cool, I’m Phil. Carl said you’re having troubles with maths?”

Carl?

It takes a few seconds for Dan to realise he means Mr. Thompson. And they said you weren’t allowed to call teachers by their first name?

“Philip, it’s- ehm, Mr. Thompson.” Is all he says, and then gives Dan a pat on the shoulder and leaves.

“Right, right. Sorry!” But he’s already closed the door so Phil shrugs and returns his focus to Dan. “So, shall we?” Phil lightly brushes the small fringe from his eye and smiles again. The nervousness that was growing inside of Dan before has no increased 100%.

An hour later, Dan is no smarter than he was before and he still doesn’t understand anything but he’s done four pages in the book which is not even half of what he does in a two hour lesson. Phil should be a teacher, that’s for sure.

“I mean, I don’t understand it, but I’ve done it  _right?_ ”

Phil laughs, his arm is thrown over the back side of Dan’s chair and he leans forward. Phil laughs a lot, whenever Dan really doesn’t understand and starts to complain he just laughs and explains it again and again and again until Dan somehow understands, or at least so that he can solve the question.   
Phil must have all the patience in the world because Dan was ready to give up after five minutes.

“It’s not so much understanding why, you just have to learn to do this and that and don’t think about it making sense. There’s no logic in it, dude.”

Dude doesn’t sound like something Phil would say but it totally works. He’s so calm and causal. And incredibly easy to talk to, which is always a plus. It felt like they’ve been friends for ages and not just met an hour ago. He wants to point it out, _‘dude, really,_ you’re  _calling me dude?’_ but he can’t risk being on Phil’s nerve when he so clearly is already helping Dan loads, and Dan sure needs help.

“Okay, well Philip,” Phil makes an unpleased facial expression at the use of his whole name; “Can we quit and go home now?”

“Yes, please! Same time tomorrow?”

Dan nods. While packing his books into the backpack, he glances over at Phil who is still sitting in the same position but with his phone in one hand, and he smiles widely while tapping out what seems to be a text message. He clears his throat and stands up, “Well I’m off then. See you tomorrow!”

As he walks out, he can hear a distant “Uh, yeah, bye…” from Phil.

The next day, when Dan’s waiting for class with Chris, he sees Phil from across the corridor and when he comes a little closer, they meet eyes. Dan wants to look away but he can’t because Phil’s smiling at him.

“Hey, kiddo,” Phil greets him when he’s a few steps away. He’s not making fun or teasing or anything, it’s so clear because of the nice and soft tone in his voice and Dan feels himself smiling way too big and he even does a stupid little wave. “He– h-hi!” Phil nods at his response and after that he’s long gone around the corner. He really wasn’t expecting Phil to acknowledge him outside of that study room, let alone when he was with friends but Phil didn’t seem to mind one bit saying hello Dan when they passed each other.

“What the fuck was that?” Dan jumps a little but seconds after remembering Chris that’s beside him. He knows Chris saw, how Dan lit up, how he blushed and did a stupid wave and stuttered even though he only said one word, but he pretends to be oblivious. “What?!”

Not that Chris is buying it. “Who was that? And why did you  _blush?_   _And stutter?”_

So much for not telling him about the tutoring… “I’m failing maths so he’s helping me; it was Mr. Thompson’s idea. Did you know his name is Carl?” Dan pronounces it like Phil did, with emphasis on the R.

“And now you have a crush on him.”

“Shut up, I’m not –“

Chris shrugs, rolls his eyes before getting up from the bench, “Denying it won’t make it easier, Howell,” he says before walking off to class.

 _‘I’m not.’_  Dan whispers to himself between gritted teeth. Because he’s not. He is not.

 _Kiddo._  That sounds more like something Phil would say rather than dude, not that Dan prefers it honestly. He’s younger but only a year. Why is he even thinking about Phil when geography is so much more– Does Phil call a lot of people kiddo? Like, every person that is younger than him? Is Phil– Not that it matters.

Dan lets his head fall down with a bang on the table.

“Daniel, more focus on the board and less on the table, please.”

Dan sits up straight, ruffles his hair for no use at all, “Sorry, sorry.” He gets the disappointing eyes from his geography teacher and a few looks from his fellow classmates, some smiling stupidly at him for being told off by a teacher. Dan thinks they’re all twats.

Phil wouldn’t give him that look, that’s for sure. (He wants to hit his head against the table again and again now).

Because Dan is not.

Studying with Phil the next time lasts a while longer than the time before, involving more talking this time. Neither say much when they meet up in the study room, Dan just brings out his books and tells Phil where he’d got stuck. He’s a little embarrassed because Dan only managed to solve a few questions on his own, but Phil doesn’t comment on it. Maybe he didn’t notice.   
He explains the problem and then asks Dan about his day, if he’s seen any good movie lately and while working, Dan answers and asks back. It’s amazing how he manages to work while talking, something that was impossible before where he would just talk and not work.   
Phil’s t-shirt is bright sky-blue, like his eyes, which is by far the prettiest eye colour Dan has even seen. When Dan gets it and solves a difficult question they go wide and proud, as well as Phil’s smile and Dan wants to keep going purely for Phil’s happiness for him.

“Your parents must be quite proud of you for getting better in school,” Phil says out of the blue while Dan’s reading when they’ve been quiet for a while.

“Mmh, sure,” he replies ironically, not looking up or losing focus from what he’s reading.

From the corner of his eye, he can see Phil rest his head in his palm, elbow resting on the table and he frowns, “They’re not?”

Dan sighs and thinks back on the dinner a few nights ago. How when he told them he’s getting help at school so he won’t fall behind in maths so much (he didn’t tell them he had fallen behind already) and all his father did was scoff and mutter  _“Yeah, like that’ll help you,”_ while rolling his eyes so Dan would know for sure he’s a lost cause. His mother hadn’t said a word and his brother wasn’t even there, like most of the time nowadays. Dan wishes he had somewhere to go, so he could get away too. But it wasn’t like Chris wanted him around all the time.

“They’re not very,” he tries to find a nice word to describe them with but is lost, “Interested,” is what he settles for. He looks at Phil with a half-smile and a shrug. Phil’s eyes narrow and he looks more concern.

“That’s not right.”

“Well, it is what it is,”

There’s not much more being said after that, Dan works some more and finish the chapter so that he’s now where he is supposed to be. Phil smiles at him proudly and nods, but says nothing.   
Dan asks if they should stop, surely Phil must have other, better, things to do than tutor some kid.

But Phil doesn’t mind. “Carl’s going to be happy if you show up to class tomorrow, being ahead of schedule,” he says with a little laugh.

“How do you even know his name?”

“Married to my mum,” he replies quickly, smile fading.

Something about it is bothering him, but it’s obvious it’s not something he’d want to talk about so Dan isn’t asking any more. It’s not his business.

“I can’t stay after school tomorrow, but if I get your number, I’ll text you and we’ll decide on a day, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, sure,” Dan tells Phil his number and when Phil has called him, he adds him as a contact.

When Dan opens the door to the study room on Friday afternoon the next week, Phil is the only one in there. He’s sat on a chair playing with his phone and there is a very bored expression on his face. Dan feels bad that he’s occupying Phil’s time like this, and on a Friday as well but he reminds himself that Phil decides when they’re meeting up. He probably regrets it now though.

“Hey,” Dan says quietly as he sits down beside Phil who looks up tiredly and greets him with a nod.

“If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to,” Dan starts as quietly as his greeting, he’s tip-toeing around Phil like never before. “It’s Friday after all.”

He doesn’t know whether to bring out his books or just leave immediately. Phil locks his phone and lets it fall on the table. He ruffles his hair and rubs his eyes and sighs loudly. “Let’s do something else?”

Dan tries hard to stay calm and act cool, but his “yeah, sure! Absolutely” kind of gives him a way and Phil lets out a little laugh.

“You’re cute.”

Dan leaves his books in his locker and he gets his bike while Phil waits in front of the main entrance. It doesn’t take more than five minutes for them to get to Phil’s house. They enter it to complete silence, Phil throws his backpack on the floor by a line of shoes, and Dan places his neatly beside Phil’s along with his shoes. Phil’s house is like any other house he’s seen, but when he get to Phil’s room he can’t help but gasp a little. It’s just like his own. The walls are covered with similar posters to his own and the few games and movies he notices are some he either has at home or wants to have. Their interests are so similar it’s scary.

Phil throws himself on his bed with a thud and a sigh, he stares up to the ceiling. Dan looks through his bookshelves briefly and notices even more stuff that he likes. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think that it’s my room,” he jokes while grabbing a book and starts reading on the back.

“Is that so?” Phil asks unamused and it makes Dan feel boring and like Phil doesn’t want him here.

“Maybe I should go-,” he begins but when Phil sits up he goes quiet.

“No, stay. Sorry, I’m just- I don’t know, but I didn’t want to be alone.”

For the first time since they first met, Phil is showing another emotion than happiness and Dan doesn’t really know what to do. He wants to give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead but that would be weird. Even a hug would be weird. It’s so quiet in his room and in Phil’s whole house that it’s almost scary. Dan sits down carefully on Phil’s computer chair, afraid to make a sound. It creeks a little but Phil doesn’t move at all, he looks sad and Dan wants to know why, he wants to ask what he can do that will take the sadness away. He doesn’t know how to because he doesn’t know Phil well enough. When Dan is sad he just stays sad until it goes away. Unfortunately, it takes a few days sometimes and no one in his presence is a big fan of that. And he thinks Phil probably doesn’t want to do that.

“Did something happen?”

“We had a fight, mum, Carl and I. That’s why the house is empty, she’s staying with him. She’s taking his side.” He buries his face in his hands. Dan moves over to sit beside Phil on the bed, “About what?”

“That I’m gay.”

Phil is.

And he’s being punished for it by his own family. This is what Dan is so afraid of, that if he was, his family would hate him, though sometimes he thinks they wouldn’t even care if he was or not. They don’t care about anything that has to do with Dan anyway. It’s not like he would tell them, or go to them if he wanted to talk. What if he could go his whole life without them knowing?

Dan hugs him, he doesn’t get hugged back but it doesn’t matter, he does this because words are pointless and won’t help or do anything. A hug is all he can think of and when Phil’s hand holds onto his arm, he squeezes a little tighter. “I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.”

Dan lets go after a little while and they decide on buying a pizza for dinner with the money Phil’s mum had left in the kitchen. It makes Dan a little sad, that Phil’s mum cares for him in one way but not the other, more important one. It also makes Dan a little sad that even after two hours, when they’re sat in the sofa playing video games, his mum still hasn’t replied to his text about staying over. How did they end up with such selfish shits as parents?   
He tries his best not to think about it, and when Phil’s laugh is ringing in his ear, it’s not so hard. When Phil lets his head fall lightly against Dan’s shoulder and he groans because he lost – again – it’s really not hard at all.

“At least I’m not failing three classes,” Phil mocks and laughs, Dan knows it’s a joke, he knows Phil doesn’t mean it  _like that_  but his heart sinks and he doesn’t know what to say other than a trembling “Yeah…” before he crashes and dies in the game. “Now I’m failing this game as well,” he tries to laugh about it but it comes out weird. Phil sits up in panic, he moves away and Dan feels a cold breeze rush over his shoulder.

“Sorry Dan, I didn’t mean like that. I knew it was wrong to say but I said it anyway and now you hate me, and I hate me.”

“I don’t–  _hate_  you.” He gets a smile back because of Dan’s half-hearted attempt to one. He looks down on the console in his hands, lying between his crossed legs. “I –“

Outside, the sky shifts it’s colour from blue to black quickly. None of the lamps in the windows or up in the ceiling are turned on so the living room is beginning to grow darker as well. Dan isn’t a fan of darkness, has never been and probably won’t ever be. He feels more vulnerable in the dark, and like everything – including himself – could break any moment because everything’s so uncertain.   
So Phil’s lips against his chapped ones surprise him, eyes go wide and his head starts working frequently, trying to form a feeling about what’s happening. He doesn’t not like it, but it all happens so quickly that he’s left with no time to take it in.  And he shouldn’t like it. Right?

“Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was equally as wrong of me. I know you’re not– I know. I’m sorry!”

Phil is up on his feet in seconds, more panic in his eyes and stress in his body. “Shitshitshit, sorry Dan.” Dan, who cannot move or blink or anything. He just stares down on the console in his hands, heartbeats and breaths making no sense inside of him. Because Dan is. Not.

“Should I go home?”

(But Phil hears it as an ‘I should go home’ so he thinks he is agreeing when he says maybe Dan should go home. Even though neither of them wants him to.)

It’s even darker outside than it seemed but Dan is too tired and sad and confused to ride his bike so he comes home as soon as possible, he walks so slowly and unevenly, it takes him twice as long. He sits down under the porch light for a while, fingertips brushing over his lips, he sighs and lets his head fall against the wall. Dan has no idea what he wanted out of being friends with Phil, but it wasn’t supposed to end this quickly or this badly.

When he finally goes inside, the house is quiet and dark so he slips into his room, falls against the bed fully-clothed and with millions of frustrating thoughts in his head that eventually tires him out enough for him to fall asleep. 

After two days, Dan gets a text message from Phil.

_I want to help you study, but I get it if it’s too weird for you. I can ask someone else if they have time for you?_

Dan types out a reply immediately but sends it half an hour later.  _It’s okay. When are you free?_

They decide to study at Phil’s house the next evening, which makes it at least a little easier for Dan to drag himself to school on Monday morning.

Dan spend most of his Monday trying and trying and trying to understand maths, he tries to think of what Phil has said to him during their study times, but it’s not helping because once Phil enters his mind, he doesn’t really go away (and it’s not to help him with maths).  
And especially not when Dan sees him at lunch, just a quick glance is enough. Phil is wearing slim, dark jeans and a jumper like it was winter time but it’s not and it looks kind of funny but also completely fine and so very Phil in a way Dan doesn’t even knows why. It just is.   
They smile at each other but say nothing and then Phil is gone and Dan has lost his appetite a little so the rest of his lunch is being left untouched. His whole body cannot decide on just one emotion when it comes to Phil, because his head is feeling heavy and he wants to bury it in the ground so he doesn’t have to deal with seeing Phil, but then his little heart beats faster and his stomach creates butterflies for a solid twenty minutes after and it’s like his jeans are shrinking and –  _Oh._

“Dude, you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, fine. I need to- bathroom.”

Chris looks at him weirdly, like he’s having a panic attack which he kind of is having actually. Dan puts away his tray and half-eaten lunch and rushes to the nearest toilets, after he’s made sure the door is locked he sits down, head buried in his sweaty hands and he tries to get control of his breathing.   
He does the counting thing, throws in ‘I’m not’ a few times, something that only adds more pressure to it but he keeps saying it.  _“I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. I’m not.  I’m not. I’m not.”_

Dan doesn’t keep track of time but he’s sure he’s been in there for at least fourty-five minutes, missing half of Geography. His breathing is at a normal rate, and his hands aren’t as sweaty but Dan washes them anyway before he goes out and begins to search for his phone.

“Oh, uhm, you look a little pale. Is everything alright?” He looks up a little and meets a pair of green eyes and a worrying smile that belong to a girl much shorter than him. She tries to smile, but mostly she looks worried and almost scared.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Except his not. He just had a panic attack in school and now his phone is gone and on top of it all, Dan probably is.  _Fuck._

Thankfully, she doesn’t bother to worry more about than, instead she nods and leaves in the same moment as Dan can feel his phone at the bottom of his backpack. No new messages or calls. Dan decides to go home. He’s had enough for a Monday.

Before he goes home, he takes his bike to the local supermarket and buys ice cream and sweets. He feels guilty and embarrassed since the only times he goes here is to buy ice cream because he’s having a bad day or a bad week and it’s been happening a lot lately, he worries the staff is starting to recognize him soon. He might need to go somewhere else for a change. But the cashier couldn’t care less about Dan, he barely looks at him under the short two minutes they’re in front of each other. Dan rides his bike as fast as he can; when he gets home he goes straight to his room, closes the blinds and sits down on his bed with the ice cream bucket in hand. His mind has gone blank and all he can think about is how disgusting the ice cream is, so he eats all of it carefully, dragging out the pain of it because he hates himself and deserves nothing more.

When the bucket is empty, he puts it down on the floor and grabs his phone from the backpack. It buzzes when he unlocks it.

_I’m free whenever you are, went home from school._

Dan groans, why is Phil telling him this, why is he making Dan care about him.

He was perfectly fine (Well.) before Phil entered his life and made it brighter and better (Well.) with his blue, shiny eyes and friendly smile and cute little fringe that he so obviously need to cut but didn’t but Dan likes it, it would probably be really soft against his fingers, almost tickling but in the best way.

 _Maybe later._ He sends it quickly and locks his phone. The pondering headache makes him doze off to sleep only minutes later.

He’s woken up by the sound of the door opening and his brother yelling his name and the ceiling lamp is turned on, Dan is startled and sits up so fast his head starts spinning. But when he moves his head to look at the direction of the yelling, he’s ready to throw the pillow at his brother but he sees Phil instead.  
Phil’s face lights up a little as he giggles, “Sorry, did he scare you?”

“All the fucking time,” Dan mutters, rubs his eyes furiously while trying to collect his thoughts and feelings.

Phil shuts the door closed behind him and moves to sit on Dan’s bed. He looks around for a while, Dan follows his eyes and wonders if he thinks this looks like his room, like Dan thought about Phil’s. He stops at the empty ice cream bucket on the floor and frowns slightly, probably thinking it’s gross. It is, it was. Dan still feels a little sick from it. “You didn’t text me back,” he says, smile fading as he looks at Dan, the question hanging from his lips and confusing dangling in his blue, sweet eyes.

“I feel asleep– “

“It was right after lunch,” Phil says quickly and desperately, “I texted you as soon as I got home.”

Dan tells him he went home too, he decides to leave out the part about him having a slight panic attack and doesn’t bother saying he ate the ice cream today, all of it, in one sitting. Phil’s “Oh,” is hanging in the air between them. 

He wants to ask why Phil is even here, but then he remembers the situation with Mr. Thompson and Phil’s mum and maybe he’s just escaping and Dan doesn’t want to push Phil away, push him back to a place he doesn’t want to be. It feels weird being with Phil like this, but he would feel worse knowing that Phil is in a place where he doesn’t feel safe and where he can’t be himself. It’s so quiet in his room that he can hear the sound of the TV from downstairs, and he wonders if his parents have been in his room to check on him at all but realises he probably doesn’t want to know the answer.

Phil’s rumbling stomach interrupts their silence, he looks embarrassed, “Sorry, I haven’t had dinner…” and now that he mention it, Dan realises he hasn’t had dinner either. Or breakfast and barely any lunch.

“I haven’t either,” he says bluntly, eyes tired as he looks as Phil, “Slept through it apparently.”

“Have you eaten anything at all today, Dan?” To which Dan shakes his head, and it’s starting to show, he feels a little dizzy and is probably paler than usual since his blood sugar is running low.

So Phil suggests they go to McDonald’s and so they do. It’s not crowded at all, since it’s Monday evening and everything. Phil pays for them both with what Dan thinks is money he got from his mum and it stings in his heart. They stay silent for most of the time, Phil asks how it’s going in school at some point, if they should study some day this week but Dan just sighs and that’s the end of it. He’s fallen into a period where he just doesn’t care about school anymore. So what if he fails. So what if he never graduates. So what if he’s never going to achieve anything in life. So fucking what.

“You’ll regret it later in life,” Phil answers, making Dan realise he’s talking louder than he thought he was. “We’ll study tomorrow, and I promise to help you as much as I can, because I know you can do this. You’re not stupid Dan,” he continues softly, leans forward and Dan thinks he’s going to be kissed again but all Phil does is smile at him, so reassuringly that he believes what the older is telling him.

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Dan’s mouth twitches before he ate the last of his burger.

Phil carries their trays away, Dan follows stupidly all the way out of there and he keeps following when Phil gets up on his bike and goes off to the opposite direction from where they came. He doesn’t bother asking where they’re going because in the end, it doesn’t really matter, as long as they’re not going home.

They end up in a park; Phil leaves his bike on the ground and walks into it further, with Dan still following. He stops all of the sudden and lies down; Dan mirrors his actions and lies down beside him, not too far away but not close either. He’s not sure where they stand and taking risks is not something Dan is a fan of. Blue and pink clouds in the sky moves above them, Dan tries to shape them into something but he can’t think of anything. Because all he thinks about is why Phil wants to spend time with him like this, he get it that Phil doesn’t want to be at home but what about his actual friends? What has Dan to offer that’s better than his friends?   
Not that he minds, not one bit. He likes the thought of Phil choosing him over other, for whatever reason it may be.

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispers.  _And leave you,_  he thinks.

“Me neither.”

“What are we going to do?”

As he turns his head to the side, Phil is already looking at him; sadness in his eyes, as he blinks a lonely teardrop falls down. Phil looks down, searching for Dan’s hand to hold. The grip is loose and unsure; Dan squeezes Phil’s hand so he knows that it’s okay. “I don’t know, Dan.”

Dan’s a little scared, the sky is clogging up with dark clouds and the last strays of the sun disappears. 

“You can sleep in my room, if you want,” he offers. Because Dan kind of wants to go home, at least there’s a bed there and a roof over his head. The cold raindrops doesn’t feel very good right now, he’s already shivering slightly. Phil takes up on his offer and they ride their bikes back to Dan’s house, when they get in everyone is already asleep so they tip-toe their way upstairs, Dan brings out the extra mattress from one of the closets along with a duvet and a pillow.

“Oh, right, sheets.”

Phil shakes his head, “Don’t bother with it.” So instead he goes to find Phil a toothbrush, they brush their teeth, gets undressed and climbs into bed. “Thanks Dan,” Phil says low.

Phil would’ve done the same, or better, for Dan. “Don’t mention it.”

For the following month, they meet up nearly every day after school to study. Phil helps Dan with most of his subjects by now and it’s doing wonders to his grades. He’s not even panicking about exams, not as much as he used to anyway. On the days they don’t study, they ride their bikes around in their little town and buys ice cream or eats at McDonald’s or sometimes somewhere fancier when they feel like it, and has the money for it. Phil says he’s going to take Dan to a really nice and fancy restaurant when school’s finished, to celebrate how well he’s been doing and Dan wants to know if it’s like a date or like how a parent would do if they cared about their son.   
They eat lunch together by now, Phil, Dan, Chris and Phil’s friends.   
Chris flirts victoriously with Phil’s friend, Sophia, and it doesn’t take many days before they spend most of the lunch break making out instead of eating.   
Dan and Phil aren’t doing anything other than holding hands under the table and maybe sitting a bit too close, but not so close that anyone gets suspicious.

By the end of the term, Chris won’t shut up about her and Dan tells him not to lead her on, but changes his mind and thinks maybe she’s the one who is leading him on so he tells Chris to be careful but he just shrugs.

“Whatever Dan, I’m getting  _laid_.”

Whereas Dan and Phil haven’t even properly kissed yet. It’s only been cheek kisses, forehead kisses and neck kisses. It’s been lovely every time.   
But Phil still thinks Dan is not and the handholding and the kisses have been nothing but friendly, reassuring and a sign of comforting.   
Dan’s afraid he might be though but he’s not sure. He doesn’t understand how to know. Maybe if they kissed for real, if Phil touched him, then he would know. If he likes it or not.   
He thinks he would actually, because there’s been so many times where it’s been close to happening but then something gets in the way and moment’s ruined.   
Sometimes Dan ruins it on purpose due to nervousness. Sometimes Phil pulls away, like he doesn’t want to do it and those are the times Dan should push further but he never does.

They’re sitting on Phil’s bed, playing cards and talking nonsense with the heavy rain as background music that’s coming from the open window. They’re sitting crossed legs with their knee caps touching. Dan loses for the third time in a row and throws away the cards in his hand on the floor with a loud sigh.   
Phil giggles, probably at how silly and stupid Dan is being, he leans forward and kisses Dan’s cheek like he’s done so many times before, mostly as an alternative for goodbye, but then he kisses the corner of Dan’s mouth, when he does Dan can feel how the corner of Phil’s mouth curls into a smile and then he places his thin lips against Dan’s which makes him back and his eyes go wide.

“What are you so afraid of?”

It startles him and confuses him. He knew he sometimes didn’t want to kiss Phil but he never knew why. “I don’t know.”

“I won’t hurt you, or leave you,” Phil whispers, upper body still leaned forward; ready to kiss Dan whenever he’s willing to accept it.

He looks down on his hands tied together between his legs. He keeps them like that because he doesn’t want to touch Phil. Because he’s afraid he won’t be able to stop once he’s begun. “You can’t promise that,” Dan mumbles.

“I can promise you, I’ll do my best not to hurt or leave you.”

“Why do you like me?”

Their eyes meet and Phil has this hopeless look in his, like he’s hopelessly in love. “Because you understand, Dan. You’re sweet and funny and  _smart_ , and you’ve got excellent taste in music and movies and video games. And because you don’t judge and honestly – because you need me and I’ve never been needed before. You– do, right?” He hesitates so Dan nods, his lip hurting from biting it.

Yeah, Dan needs Phil. “I need you, I need someone to care for me,” he confesses and release the grip his holding his hands in to place them on Phil’s thighs. “And I need – I need you to kiss me.” It comes out shaky and trembling, like Dan himself.

Phil nods slightly as he places his hands on top of Dan’s and leans towards him to remove the tiny bit of air that’s between them before capturing their lips together. Dan breaths in strongly before giving his everything in the kiss, as Phil’s hands travel along Dan’s bare arms, their legs unfold and Phil puts one over Dan’s and they scoot closer, Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s waist but then he moves one hand up and stroke his fingertips against the black fringe and it’s just as soft as he imagined it to be all those weeks ago.

When they let go, Dan blinks slowly a few times. “Whoa.”

“I know.”

Outside, the rain has disappeared and the sun is slipping through the clouds. Dan feels as light as the clouds seem to be. It doesn’t matter that they only have this summer left to be together every day before Phil goes away to university because at least then he won’t be living somewhere that he can’t be himself and it’s only just a year before Dan can join him. He’ll visit as often as possible, anything to make him get out of his house.

“Kiss me again,” he pleads, beaming with happiness and cheeks dimpled.

Phil’s mouth twists with joy, “I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop.”

“ _Good._ ” 


End file.
